Hayley Nichole Williams -
My head hung low as I stared into my cereal feeling empty and cranky. I didn't get much sleep, and when I did I'd dream of him, which only made me wake up again to the killer laughter. My whole body drooped as I regretted more memories and situations, this wasn't like me at all. But I still have a feeling I've been like this ever since he left me, I just hid it oh so very well, but now that he's dating again, I've collapsed. The days feel longer, and I long for them to be over so I can crouch into my bunk and be at peace. This week has been pure torture, agonizing pain, I have to watch them cuddle and laugh it off everytime I come into the tour bus. And when I finally see Josh without his whore glued to his side, I can't find the will to talk to him. I've been on full mute ever since I realized she was "tagging" along. I almost wanted to bail the tour, but I know I can't. The world seems to be weighing itsef on my shoulder just to make me feel worse. Sometime things can be so cruel, it makes you wonder why it happens to you. Then, despite the anger and judgement against him, I still find that he is my friend. The kind of friend you can count on to watch a movie with you even if it's 1 am in the morning and it's freezing cold outside. That's the kind of friend he used to be. Now he's more like a band mate than a friend, and it's a terrible feeling. I sturred my spoon as the negative thoughts rushed in, and when I heard their laughter again I knew it was my que to leave. I picked up my bowl, spoon, and milk carton then walked to the "kitchen", which is just a sink and some cabnets, and walked back to my bunk to select my clothes. My bunk wasn't made, the blankets were crumpled up in a corner while my laptop laid at another corner. I unzipped my suit case and got out my "Love is the Movement" shirt and black pants, this day called for some black. I changed quickly, combed my hair, and walked back to the front lounge. I saw Josh with his arm around Miranda sitting on the couch, I forced myself not to look their way.
"Where ya going?" He asked, I was stunned and lost for words. The first thing he's said to me all week. I turned my head out the door, wondering where I was going. I turned back and found he was still waiting for an answer.
"Outside," He gave me a little nod before turning away and fixing his eyes back onto the tv screen. I let out a small sigh while walking down the steps into the packed parking lot. This was Warped Tour, tons of bands showed up. This tour is my favorite, geting to meet bands you've idolized for years, the great food, the awesome concerts. There'd be no other place I'd rather be if Miranda wasn't here. Her appearance was perfect, blonde locks, blue sparkling eyes, hour glass figure, why wouldn't Josh fall for her? I walked down the tar path all the way to the cafateria where the rest of the band was, I took a seat next to Jeremy and settled my stuff down.
"Heyyy," Taylor greeted in a joking tone. I cracked a smile at his poor attempt to make me laugh. Jeremy picked at his food while Zac texted on his new phone.
"Where's Josh?" My throat clogged as his name was called through Zac's lips. I shook my head in a quick motion. Zac and Taylor stared at me while Jeremy continued playing with his food. Their cold stares made me want to run away.
"What?" I asked annoyed, Taylor shrugged his shoulders and looked back down at his food mimicing Jeremy. Zac didn't, he stayed the same and asked,
"What's going on with you and Josh?" His voice was accusing, like if he was playing good cop bad cop. I shook my head casually, making sure it seemed like I had no idea what he meant, and stood up.
"Ya know eventually you'll have to admit it Hayles." He called after me. I rolled my eyes at his sudden outburst. I had nothing to hide... that anyone needs to know. It's just a feeling that'll wash over, nothing more, nothing less. We've been done for almost seven months now, it's over. The cart in front of me had a variety of foods spread out. I wasn't very hungry, I just ate breakfast. An apple would do, I rubbed it against my pants and took a bite.
"Ya know, you're suppose to clean it with your shirt, Hayley." He said while taking an apple himself.
"Oh, hey Alex, how's it going?" I asked dryly. I felt like I was the Debby Downer of this whole tour, everyone else was so stoked while I lay in my bunk dreading days to end.
"Pretty good, Warped Tour is much more fun than other tours." He mocked, I let a small laugh escape my mouth. It wasn't a lie, Warped Tour was better, you get to hang out with friends more and you have more time on your hands. It almost like vacation, except its not.
"Yeah, so how's the band enjoying it?" I asked.
"I don't know, we're kinda stressed, we're writing new songs, setting up for concerts, and blah blah blah." He complained, I nodded agreeingly and knowing what he meant. Stress it probably the best word to describe this situation.
"Tell me about it." I groaned, here comes another Debby Downer moment! God I hate myself.
"What's going on with you?" He asked motioning us to take a seat at a table before we get trampled by hungry rockers. I glued myself down in front and looked at my hands.
"Just stress I guess."
"Hey, that rhymed." He pointed out, it lightened the mood suprisingly. I laughed and smiled, I missed having moments like this. For once I hadn't thought of Josh for more than two minutes. Alex's phone rang on the table, interrupting our conversation, and making me jump a little. He laughed at my frightened moment and looked at his phone.
"Ugh, Band meeting." I nodded my head a little disappointed our talk didn't last long and stood up, ready to walk away when...
"Hey, why don't we run away?" He asked from behind. I narrowed my eyes and pondered in confusion.
"What?" I asked, a little bit of laughter in my tone. Alex closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Hold on, that's not what I meant, I meant to say wanna get away from the drama and stress. I know I do. Some friends and I are going to a carnival tonight, if ya wanna come.." I pondered for a moment, it's probably not a good idea with all the things going on.
"I don't know, we've got tons of crap we have to do tonight to get ready." I rejected, Alex nodded understandingly, and began to walk away.
"Just tell me if you change your mind, see ya Hayles." Hayles, a nickname only my family and the boys call me. It felt weird, especially coming out of Alex. He's a friend, I've known him for two years now, but still.
As I climbed up the stairs and onto our tour bus, I held my breath. Seeing Josh with Miranda would ruin the mood Alex built up. I felt a little joy now, and the last thing I wanted to happen was for it to be destroyed by some slut hanging around. Lucky for me, Miranda was nowhere in sight. It was just me on the tour bus, thank god. I plunged myself onto the cozy couch, and rested my head onto the arm. My eyes got heavier as my body finally relaxed, the anxiety of having to see Josh and his new girl toy vanished. My mind became blank and my breathing was even again.
I sat up immedately as I heard the screaming of fans outside the window. Josh walked in through the front door, without his whore. He stopped in front of me and looked out the window with his brown eyes. I followed his gaze.
"I'm pretty sure I didn't wake you, did I?" I shook my head, the fans were awfully loud, but I didn't mind. Motivation is always in need, and they serve it.
"So, where's Miranda?" I know bringing her into a conversation can make me barf, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else. I wanted to keep the conversation rolling.
"Umm, I don't know, why?" My throat felt dry as I ran out of words. He always had to ask the wrong things at the wrong time.
"Just wondering, I guess." I lied. I walked over to the table and sat myself down. We had so much work to do, including creating a set list.
"Hey, wanna help with the set list?" I asked casually, the set list was a band decision, but we have to start somewhere. He stuck his head into the mini fridge, grabbed a water bottle, then sat himself across from me.
"Okay, so what were you thinking?" I took out a piece of paper and thought for a minute. We try to make every concert different, use different songs, different banners, everything. Right now were working on our second album, we've got only three songs done and only performed one. I took out the last set list and looked over it.
"We haven't performed, Here We Go Again and Conspiracy." I said while scrolling down the list.
"Ok add those and what else?" I looked over the list again trying to think of other songs we haven't performed.
"Brighter, Never Let This Go, and My Heart." I said trying to keep my cool. It felt awkward talking to Josh about these songs, they're just so old and so meaningful. It's hard to look him straight in the eyes.
"Uh, no. Lets just play the last set list and replace two songs for Here We Go Again and Conspiracy." My heart sank and my body drooped. My eyes narrowed at the thought of erasing these songs from our tour, just because Josh didn't want them.
"Why? We haven't played them in forever." I agrued, it's a thing worth fighting for, I guess.
"Just don't, Hayley, those songs are so old, we need something new, I don't know. Lets perform one of the new songs." I stared at him for the longest time, trying to get a read, but ended up with nothing. I sighed, annoyed, and put it down. I didn't want to speak anymore, I wanted outs. I handed him the set list and pen, then stood up. He could do it himself.
"Where are you going?" He asked, a little confusion in his tone. I picked up my phone from the counter, and my wallet from my bunk. I turned to face him and answered,
"I'll be at the carnival if you need me."